I'm a Horrible Person.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009 5:16 PM
This shit sucks. I'm not okay. I'm saying all the wrong things, I'm doing everything wrong, I just feel so goddamn retarded. I'm a complete failure and I can't straighten things out. I don't know why I can't stop trying to be perfect. I hate it with all I can. I'm a horrible friend. I'm sick of crying everyday and I just can't take this stupid shit. I just want this week and next week to end. I'm sick of trying to be pretty and trying to impress some guy. I just want to go to sleep until things feel right. Back to my secure self. Back to the place where I always smiled. I'm sick of people treating me special cause I said my dad abandoned me. I was okay before you felt sorry for me and made me feel like I'm uncapable of achieving things and more lonely than I have ever felt. I'm sick of being attacked by my family. Its always a constant battle to in a car ride and it sucks. I just want to be a kid. I wish I could just let myself be a kid for once. I wish my family would let me be a kid. I wish people will let me be a kid.
Lonliness Can Kill.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009 6:34 PM
Today sitting at my lunch table with my friends that I love I can't help but see all the couples. Whether they are stably in a realtionship or bounce back and forth. I swear the loneliness just ran through me like some disease. I could not believe how desperate for affection I became. It was to the point that I needed to be hugged and cuddled. I need that stupid selfish attention and love from everyone. It just sucks that I'm stuck feeling this way. I would do anything just to be loved and touched for once from someone who is truly addicted to me as I am to them.
Oh and how I wanna dance! I just wanna rock out and be out of this mold of neverending run to reach perfection that's not even there at the end. I wanna be free for an hour or two. Screaming, jumping, and dancing my heart out. Sadies is mine for the taking with my best friend Jasmine. I know who's there for me and for that night nothing else matters except being free. No love exists then. Not one ounce, just pure enjoyment because of the fact that life is beautiful. More beautiful then seeing a single star through this neon lit city.